in the depths of each pearl you’ll find a song

hey, i'm here if you want to talk

holy god i miss you

for real ? really? this again? i post that thing below and you get all weird? how am i to know you even read my ljay. more over, how're you arrogant enough to think automatically that it is you?

so much sometimes. i get really mad at myself for allowing me to do so because i gave you so many chances, but i really can't help it. then i get mad at you. for not trying hard enough. for not fighting for me.

either way, here i am. laying awake at night with my palms facing up, imagining your's facing down like we're holding hands.

the name of the author is the first to go.

followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel—which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of.

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

long ago you kissed the names of the nine muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag. and even now as you memorize the order of the planets, something else is slipping away. a state flower, perhaps. the address of an uncle. the capital of paraguay.

whatever it is you are struggling to remember, it is not poised on the tip of your tongue, not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

it has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall, well on your own way to oblivion, where you will join those who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

no wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.

no wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

~ billy collins

just to spice things up i’m gonna try to read like miss. piggy.
— jesse porter

are icicles currently. little wrinkly masses of peach with brush strokes of the deepest indigo and grand canyon etches in the palms. i've commenced and faltered repeatedly in inscribing even the simplest of messages to my pen-pals. we usually whisper secrets of the universe to one another in ink, but my frozen appendages have just been on the fritz since school has begun.

my mind is engulfed in mathematical equations and astronomical units and light years and red dwarfs and anthropological cultural studies. i mouth the speech i must give for class on monday repeatedly to myself while driving and listening to minus the bear. i am terrified and exhilarated in the same breath. i fumble over the the most minute fragments and syllables and am paralyzed with fear just thinking about speaking to my fellow classmates. how is this possible? i think i know the answer..

the topic of the speech is the hardest prompt i've ever been assigned. "tell the class something about yourself, so that i can match who you are with your name and face." to me, this is a complete impossibility. how can i explain to this balding man that i cannot, infact, string together mere words, like cut paper dolls hand-embracing, to explain who i, sherry marie dill am as a human.

it's completely and entirely inconceivable. if you want to know who i am, watch me as i am rolling around in my sleep, singing soprano subconscious thoughts while i lay there unconsciously. watch my eyebrows furrow as i contemplate the continent-sized patches of green as they stream over houston on the doppler radar. listen to my breath catch as the sun breaks off behind the one story house on my cul-de-sac. if you're really quiet, i swear you can hear it crashing. listen to me complain about nothing and everything and cry panicky and completely unattractive over the smallest of things, and then burst into a self-conscious smile three seconds later because i've realized what a fool i've made of myself. this is me. completely. irrevocably.

so how do i go about standing infront of my class and saying these things? i can't. ergo, i will stand infront of the class, all confidence and arrogance and vulnerable and say, "i am sherry dill, and i like long walks on the beach."

because really, that's what they want to here.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

~ Neil Gaiman

just want to be held.

really thankful to be alive
and to be happy
and to be (mostly) healthy
and for all of you
irregardless of everything or anything
and for another birthday
when so many people won't ever know
the joy of twenty two years

pneumonia better not eff up my bday!

when i'm applying for jobs
i delete my ljay from time to time
but i was hired
and here i am

the water has JUST now subsided. still no h20, still no electricity. no gas. a tree went through both gates & so did our outdoor chimney. all windows broken.

i made a decision that i hope will be really good for me today
it was spur of the moment and i hope it's for the best
my heart is hurting and my head
and i'm just tired from working and schooling
and not coming home to a familiar place to lay my head
i've nothing familiar anywhere
i've built my home inside of people's chests,
and i've made a room work in tomball for awhile
but now once again i'm a wanderer
i've been thinking that i want to be for a long time
because i don't really love anyone or anything

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

BREAKING DAWN TONIGHT,
WOO

i'm soooooooooooooooooo conflicted

so i want to see :
- hulk
- ironman
- indiana jones
- made of honor (!)
- wall-e
- strangers
- baby mama

if you want to go tell me!

i dont think ill ever sleep againnnnnnnnnnnnnn

srsly cant remember the last time i went to sleep before 6am.